the hurt game
by raffertysdonna
Summary: 'Harvey can't help but think that no matter how right Donna looks holding a baby, it feels wrong for him to be just a visitor like everyone else.' Set during season 8.


_A/N: Big thanks to Sydney for beta'ing for me once again. She's a true gem. _

_I listened to 'The Hurt Game' by The Script on repeat while writing this one-shot, so it felt appropriate to make it this story's title. I hope you like it! Merry Christmas x_

* * *

_the hurt game_

_._

The first time that Harvey sees Donna hold Ava Faith Paulsen it knocks the air right out of his lungs. Donna is sitting on a hospital bed, wearing black leggings and a cream-coloured, loose sweater. In her arms Donna holds the tiniest baby girl, her thumbs gently stroking her daughter's rosy cheeks. The baby tries to snuggle closer to her mother, and Harvey notices that her hair is the same strawberry blonde as Donna's.

Harvey can't stop the soft smile that begins to spread across his face at the picture of tender motherly love. He had always thought that Donna looked good with a baby in her arms – he had only seen her hold one of these tiny, vulnerable creatures a handful of times in the office – but it had always made him pause for a moment to think about how she deserved a family of her own one day.

Nothing could have prepared him for this though.

Donna looks at him with sleepy but shining eyes and motions for Harvey to come closer. They are alone, everyone else has already come and gone to say hello to the newest member of the ZSLWW family. He tentatively steps closer until he is standing directly in front of the two redheads.

"Meet Ava Paulsen," Donna rasps, obviously still affected by the events of the past 36 hours. Swallowing, he caresses the baby's head, and she looks at him, dark blue eyes filled with interest. Harvey feels Donna stare at him as if waiting for him to say something. It had been so long since they'd been alone in a room and not talked about work. This past year had been rough on both of them and the cracks it had created haven't been easy to fix.

Harvey can't help but think that no matter how right Donna looks holding a baby, it feels wrong for him to be just a visitor like everyone else. He tries to swallow down the bitter taste, the self-hatred, and finally looks at Donna.

"She is beautiful, Donna. She looks just like you." They share a look; she appreciates his honest words and nods.

"She does, doesn't she?" Her fingers brush over the same spot of Ava's hair that Harvey had just stroked. "I was hoping she would be a ginger."

Smiling, they both soak in the moment.

"You're going home already?" Harvey eventually asks, gesturing at her clothes and the bag sitting at the bottom of the bed.

"Yes. My doctor discharged us earlier this afternoon." Donna squeezes her daughter's little feet, adding, "We're ready, aren't we, munchkin?"

"That's good." He nods. "I don't know anyone who is more ready for this than you. You will be a wonderful mother. Ava is one lucky girl."

The look of surprise on Donna's face speaks volumes. "Thank you, Harvey."

During her pregnancy, he'd not once told her that he was happy for her or that she was making the right decisions. Everyone was overjoyed for her, telling her how they were going to spoil her child and make her feel valued. Harvey, however, had always avoided the subject, not acknowledging her ever-growing belly and the changes it brought with it if he could help it.

Donna had never told anyone about her very first reaction to the news that she was pregnant after only having dated Thomas Kessler for 2 months. Upon seeing the multiple positives on the various pregnancy tests that she had bought, her whole body started to shake with the utter fear of having a baby with a man whom she didn't love, didn't know if she could ever be truly in love with. It had scared the living shit out of her but she had never let it show. Donna, being Donna, had acted her way through every difficult decision with Thomas and Harvey and when she finally accepted that she and Thomas would, _could_, never work, she had broken off their engagement at eight months pregnant.

Even then, Harvey kept his distance. He was too occupied trying to soothe his own hurt of the whole situation to notice that Donna was scared to do this alone. The baby changed her relationship with Harvey but she didn't understand why. It hurt more than she was willing to admit.

"Do you want me to take you home? Ray is waiting downstairs."

He doesn't know whether he wants her to accept or decline his offer, but when she announces that Thomas is already on his way to pick them up, Harvey knows his answer. The thought of Thomas getting to be the one to do these things with Donna has always bothered him.

His jaw clenches and Donna catches it from the corner of her eye. Wanting to ease the growing tension between them she asks, "Do you want to hold her?"

"Me? No. I don't even know how to hold a baby." His brown eyes meet her hazel ones and she can tell he is genuinely terrified of doing something wrong and hurting the baby. But she is Donna. She has seen the longing look in his eyes and knows he could do with some loving.

"You will be fine. I need to go to the bathroom really quickly before Thomas arrives so you would be doing me a huge favour," Donna pleads gently.

"If you say so. Don't blame me if she starts crying though."

"You'll be fine." Sitting up, Donna moves Ava and gently places her in Harvey's waiting arms. "Be careful with her head, you need to support it at all times." They make sure Ava is lying securely in his arms before Donna steps away abruptly. His proximity is overwhelming her, the domesticity triggering a longing she thought she had long since buried. He looks _fine_ holding a baby, her daughter, she thinks. When Ava starts fussing and looking for her mother, Harvey gently sways her and rubs her cheek which makes the tiny girl look at him with big eyes.

Donna nods at him in encouragement before making her way over to the bathroom.

Only when the door is closed behind her does she allow herself to let out the breath she's been holding. Seeing Harvey hold her daughter has elicited something deep inside of her that she wishes it hadn't.

It was like getting confronted with the picture of the family you've unknowingly always wanted and hoped for, except that it wasn't yours. She and Ava were on their own, she had made that decision when she split from Thomas and she was okay with it. It wasn't ideal but she knew that she could do it.

Ava, as it turns out, is an easy-going baby. It scares Harvey how tiny and delicate she is but Ava is content just lying in his arms, getting his full attention. His eyes take in every curve of her face and soon enough he is looking for any physical similarities between her and Donna.

The colour of her eyes is a deep blue which could still change, and her nose definitely resembles Donna's perfectly straight one more than Thomas', but what strikes him most are her pouty lips and how alert her eyes already are. When she looks at him, Harvey feels like she can read him just like Donna can and it makes him fall in love with little Ava in an instant.

It wasn't supposed to be this way, he thinks in a moment of clarity. _You were supposed to be mine. _The realisation comes suddenly, but not unexpectedly and it hits him over the head like a bucket full of ice.

Harvey's jaw clenches and unclenches in a feeble attempt to rid himself of the tension he feels upon realising that he went about his feelings for Donna the wrong way. He thought that pushing them down further after she told him she didn't feel anything when she kissed him in her office was the only way forward. He quenched his thirst and told her this couldn't happen again. It wasn't until he broke up with Paula and they danced at Mike at Rachel's wedding that his desire for her had slowly started bubbling up again. Before he knew it though, she was dating Thomas Kessler and he had missed his chance. Again.

His jealousy had made it impossible for him to acknowledge the fact that Donna was having a baby with another man. It had hurt too much. So, he did what he always did and pushed her away from him.

Looking at little Ava in his arms, he can't imagine staying away from Donna and her daughter any longer. Ava might not be his and Donna's; but she _is_ Donna's.

When Donna joins him again, she comments, "She's got you wrapped around her little finger already, hasn't she?"

Harvey only nods and glances at her briefly. Donna's eyes are misty but the smile adorning her face can't be mistaken for anything other than gratitude.

"I love her so much." Her hand brushes against her daughter's cheek again, booping her nose. "She wasn't planned, but I wouldn't trade her for anything." She chuckles wetly when Ava yawns and searches for her mother's breast on Harvey's chest.

Donna takes the baby from Harvey's arms and tells him she'll quickly nurse Ava before Thomas arrives. He doesn't want to, and it scares him how much he doesn't want to, but he tells her it's best if he leaves now.

"Thank you for coming, Harvey."

"Yeah, uhh," he scratches the back of his neck, feeling like a dick. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you during your pregnancy." Before he can say what he really wants her to know, Thomas Kessler walks through the door and he nods at the man curtly before he turns around and leaves the woman he loves and her daughter with the man that completes this family.

.:::.

Ever since Donna had gone on maternity leave, work was dull. Harvey missed knowing that she was just one office away, occasionally he would poke into her office in the middle of the day to ask for her advice on a case he was working on. In the past year, many things had changed. They hadn't been able to enjoy a glass of scotch after a win in court or simply a long day since Donna had found out she was pregnant. It had been even longer since they'd ordered from that shitty Thai place to enjoy some take-out food after work.

He misses her. He just misses how things used to be when she was his secretary and they ruled the world. He should've realised that it couldn't last and held onto her. _Her_, not his secretary. The amount of missed opportunities, the amount of lies, the amount of longing that is keeping him awake at night.

Harvey shows up at her door on Friday night. He had let her know he was coming over to make sure she was home and didn't intrude. Donna had sounded surprised and it made him feel guilty again. He hadn't been much of a friend in the past year and he knows it's all his fault.

Donna opens the door looking more casual than he's seen her look in a very long time. Her hair is in a messy bun on top of her head, her face devoid of any make-up and the loungewear she wears makes her look soft and gentle. She smiles tentatively, "Come on in. I just put Ava to sleep so you'll have to make do with just me tonight."

He follows her down the hallway and into her living room. He notices she's renovated since he was at her place last and he can't help but comment, "I like what you've done with the place. This apartment looks like a homier version of your office." He cringes at his comment but Donna takes it lightly and chuckles low in her throat which does _things_ to him.

"Thanks. I knew once I had the baby there wouldn't be any time for renovations and I had to make it child-friendly for Ava." Gesturing at the couch, she asks Harvey if she can offer him anything. Not wanting to make Donna open a bottle of wine just for him, he tells her scotch is fine. He is confident that she still keeps his favourite scotch hidden in the back of a cabinet.

Of course, Donna does.

She pours him two fingers and opts for a simple glass of water herself. She misses pouring herself a glass of wine at night to wind down from a stressful day at the office on her couch. Now, her stressful days occur _on the couch_.

It's only just past 7 o'clock but it might as well be midnight. Trying to hide a yawn, she sits down next to Harvey on the couch and looks at him expectantly. His call earlier this week had come as a surprise to Donna and she is curious but cautious to find out what he wants.

"How have you been? How is Ava doing?" Looking at him, she sees nothing but a genuine interest in her life. It makes her heart beat a little faster and she tells herself to snap out of it. Everyone has been asking about Ava and what it's like to adjust living with a new-born lately. Still, him asking after months of pointedly ignoring her pregnancy means something to her.

"It's been exhausting," she admits. "Nothing can quite prepare you for all the trouble such a tiny person causes. I'm losing my mind but I'm learning so much at the same time. It's exhausting but also rewarding." Harvey nods, understanding. "Has your mum been able to come around to meet Ava yet?"

"Yes, she was here on the weekend. I love having her around but sometimes I think she creates more problems than she solves," she sighs. A moment passes. Then Donna looks at him thoughtfully. "Thomas and her don't get along. She's difficult to work with but I thought…" Her unspoken words hang between them, she doesn't need to say it.

"I'm sorry, Donna. Has Thomas been a big help at least?" It pains him to even mention the guy, Ava's father, but he's working on it.

"Yes and no," she laughs but it's not genuine.

When she doesn't elaborate further, Harvey takes a sip of his drink and tries to build up the courage to be a better man. "How so?"

His question surprises her again. She hadn't thought that he would want her to elaborate. Donna knows that Harvey hates the guy for no other reason than the fact that he was dating her, having what Harvey never wanted to begin with.

She doesn't answer immediately, trying to think of a way to say it that won't set Harvey into a jealousy attack over nothing.

The thing with Donna and Harvey, however, is that it has never truly been about jealousy when the other was dating someone else. It was their respective fear of not being _number one_ anymore. They had made it clear by saying that they were bothered and saying it didn't mean they wanted more and that was true. When Harvey had realised how serious Thomas was - when he had seen Donna wear an engagement ring - it had killed him. He hadn't cared much when she was likely fucking him, accepting Thomas' proposal though had been a completely different story. Suddenly, she seemed to love this guy more than him and it had been an even harder pill to swallow than her pregnancy announcement.

"Thomas wants us to try again. He still loves me." Harvey looks at her in shock and Donna quickly continues talking. "I don't want to start things up again. I tried for months and it didn't work out. Unfortunately, he can't accept that. It's been making things difficult when looking after Ava and dealing with postpartum problems." She prays to God that Harvey won't have a fit, knowing he would do anything to protect her - even if it means getting into it with her baby's father. He may have been distant recently but she has no doubt that, should it come down to it, he would lay himself on the train tracks for her.

"Has he been making you uncomfortable?"

"Honestly, yes. I'm focusing on Ava but all he seems to focus on is me. He's been around a lot and it's exhausting." She can't read Harvey's look and it makes her nervous. "But it's fine. Please don't think I can't handle it. I'm a big girl now," she tries to joke. He tells her he just wants to help but she waves him off.

"Seriously, Donna, if you need me to give him a piece of my mind, I sure as hell will."

"I have no doubt that you would. You've never been one to shy away from showing my exes how you feel about their behaviour." Both of their minds go immediately to Stephen Huntley and they share a smile.

"You know I'd do anything for you, Donna." It slips out because it is what he thinks. Judging by Donna's look, he doesn't regret saying it. "You know that, right?"

"I do know that. You have a funny way of showing it though," she says bitterly.

She is right and he wishes that he didn't feel the way he does. He didn't fight for her when it counted because he was too scared to risk anything. Donna was with Thomas _and _expecting, there was no room for their special relationship. No room for his jealousy, his hurt, _his need to be her number one_.

"I never meant to let things get so bad between us," he says quietly.

"Then why did you, Harvey?" Donna huffs, the frustration clear in her voice. "I spent more than a decade putting you first privately, you know that. When I finally decided to get involved with someone hoping it would make me happy, you didn't just stop treating me like your friend, you started treating me like a stranger. Harvey, that hurt. It still does. It felt the same way it did when I started working for Louis. I really thought we had put that behind us."

"I'm sorry, Donna." He longs to reach out to her and show her that he wants nothing more than to be by her side but her hurt gaze freezes him.

"That's not good enough. This is not how friends treat you."

Harvey can feel the words he so desperately needs her to hear force their way up, he can't play it safe anymore. Donna deserves better.

"I couldn't bear to see you with him. Wearing his ring, carrying his baby."

"So, it all comes down to you being jealous again, huh?"

"We had never been in a situation like this before! It all happened so quickly."

"Yeah, well, maybe I was hoping you'd fight for me! Just this once. Why is it that you only fight for things that count at the office but when it comes down to matters of the heart, it's like I don't even matter to you?"

Harvey stares at her; her hazel eyes filled with unshed tears, her left hand rubbing over her face and he realises that he'd hurt Donna more deeply this time than ever before. He had fucked up big time trying to protect his own heart and broke hers in the process. How could he have missed that before?

"It's because you mean more to me! More than any win in court, more than any case I've ever worked on." His heart is racing and he hopes that Donna will see the truth in his words.

"That's twisted," Donna chuckles humourlessly. "You know, when you care about someone, you don't ignore them for 9 months straight. Thomas at least never had a problem with showing me his affection. That's why it was so easy to be with him."

"Then why did you split up?"

Donna closes her eyes at the absurdity of the situation. He really is a coward and she is tired of pretending. She needs him to leave, so she can breathe again, and the quickest way to do that is to scare him with the truth. Getting up, she reveals, "For starters, he wasn't you."

His mouth falls open and he blinks a few times trying to process what she'd just said. "What?"

He really has no idea, does he? All this time they have spent together in the last 15 years and he still hasn't figured out that all she wants is him. There's no one else like him and she's given up on trying. It's why it hadn't worked out with Thomas. It's why she chose and supported and believed in Harvey, time and time again, even when he hurt her. She is in love with a man too blind to see what is right in front of his face and somewhere along the line, she'd grown tired of waiting and hoping.

"You heard me. So, what are you going to do now?" She looks at him defiantly, daring him to bail because this is getting too real.

He doesn't think. He gets up and closes the space between them. His hands reach for her shoulders and she looks up at him expectantly. "Donna," his eyes are swimming with emotions and his voice breaks, "Does that mean you want me too?"

She sniffles and nods, hope is blossoming in her chest and she's terrified of all the unknowns. Her first priority is Ava and she needs him to be okay with that.

"I should have told you the night of Mike and Rachel's wedding," Harvey starts quietly, his voice deep and raw. "But I chickened out again because you told me that you didn't feel anything when you kissed me. The thought of you protecting yourself didn't even enter my mind. I'm a gambler but with you, I couldn't take the risk. So, I watched my worst nightmare unfold and Donna, I regret treating you like a stranger more than I can say," His throat closes up and he swallows, bringing his hands to cup her cheeks as he looks at her intently. Her sparkling hazel eyes, her freckles and her pretty nose – and it's always been her who grounds him. "Please let me make it up to you. I want to be the man you deserve. No more hiding, no more lying. Donna, you mean everything to me."

They are both stripped bare, the truth out in the open and instead of making them feel unsteady, it makes them feel stronger. They are both teary-eyed and Donna whispers, "That's all I ever wanted and needed from you." Harvey brushes his nose against hers and their lips almost touch. "So, this is it? You're not going to bail tomorrow when you realise that I have a 10-day-old daughter with another man?"

"I won't. I already love Ava so much." He gives her nose a soft kiss before drawing back a little, adding, "Donna, I love you and nothing will make me not love every single thing about you. I'm sorry it took me so long to come to terms with it."

Donna's eyes are almost black when she locks her gaze with his and places her trust, her heart, in him. "I love you too."

His lips are on hers in an instant, kissing her like a starving man. There is little finesse to the way he presses her body into his and bites her bottom lip before running his tongue along her jawline, her neck, her clavicles and sucks on her skin. Donna responds forcefully, her skin coming alive under his touch and kissing messily has never felt this right before. They stumble back towards the couch, Donna's hands pulling on his hair, moaning when his tongue tangles with hers and she can't remember feeling this fulfilled ever before.

In the middle of them making out like unbridled teenagers, Ava's baby monitor goes off and they hear her crying. Donna groans and pushes Harvey away. For a moment, she stares at his well-kissed lips, his dishevelled hair and her heart swells in her chest with love. "I'm sorry, I have to check up on her," she apologises.

"It's fine," he laughs; laughs because she looks so worried but the truth is, he is totally whipped by the two Paulsen girls and he doesn't want to imagine life any other way. "I'll go with you."

Taking his hand, Donna leads him into Ava's room and together they soothe her cries. Donna nurses her again and Harvey watches them in awe, his heart growing impossibly bigger when he sees what a natural Donna is. He ends up going home a few hours later after they have talked about everything again, but it doesn't take long for them to start spending every single night together.


End file.
